Honesty, family and driving

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I have read many an article, stories and messages about people and driving when they become compromised or we deem them as unsafe and it is difficult and it is met with disbelief, anger and denial. I have even spent time over the brief Christmas period we had off the farm talking to all age groups about it. No I don’t have the answer and no there is no book in it, it will be difficult for the messenger to give the information and even more difficult for the receiver.

One of the funniest responses I have had is people not wanting to lose their spontaneity and I look at most people in disbelief at this statement. I myself am included here, I can not remember the last time I got up and thought “gee I’ll go for a drive today”, I think the days of getting in the car for a ‘Sunday drive’ have left us. Even going for lunch is normally planned so there is time to organise a taxi, uber, cab or someone else to pick you up or drive you, but especially in the country most people plan trips and even shopping expeditions, so I can combat that argument with a rational answer.

The independence one I can understand, but being without a car does not take that away, as we are a society that relies upon each other all the time, we marry, thus are not truly independent, we have friends or work colleagues that we socialise with and we are forever supported by family and friends so short of living on ones own most people are not independent of those we rely upon. We love the activity we do when we drive, but this does not have to stop if we stop driving, although in the country it can be more difficult with lack of any public transport, cabs or options.

These are not criticisms of people but are observations and I place myself in the category, but relying upon others may be something you do not want to do, being dropped somewhere and then having to wait for that person to come back and get you or they sit and wait for you or they do not leave you to having time by yourself is also very restricting and frustrating.

We did have the conversation and it was met with, “I don’t believe that story” when we started by talking with the partner of the person involved. There was a request for evidence and even after having more than one conversation with them, it still took a while to get them to understand the gravity of the situation. In fact it was met with “well what can I do? “. My words were,  they would have to talk with the driver concerned and tell them that it was time to consider not driving. The long-term partner refused and stated it would affect them the most as they did not drive well so was reliant upon the other person to do all of the errands.

Where does one go with that? the next time I met up with them I was spoken to in the kitchen by the driver and told it was a deliberate act of bad parking and a joke not to tell anyone in the family about it. I actually turned, looked into their eyes and said “I have driven with you and a couple of years ago I stated you should never drive unsupervised so this argument would not work on me and they need to consider not driving for the safety of others not themselves. It is a sign you are not driving correctly if you rely on hitting the gutter to park a vehicle and you drove up a driveway and stopped when the tree got in the way” This was met with a shrug of shoulders , which meant they were not going to listen, so now what?

I have read much literature on driving and one of the better ones is the Hartford “we need to talk about..”booklet   I have put the link here but for those like me that need some written information here are some of  their suggestions

DRIVING BEHAVIOR WARNING SIGNS — WHEN NOTICED, HOW OFTEN
1. Decrease in confidence while driving. i.e. not travelling at speed limits (always under) is not driving to the road conditions or driving in back streets to avoid other cars.
2. Difficulty turning to see when backing up. i.e, not being able to turn head or doesn’t remember to look in rear vision mirror.
3. Riding the brake: touching the brake when they see cars turning into lanes next to them etc
4. Easily distracted while driving. i.e. fiddling with radio or looking at the satellite navigation system
5. Other drivers often honk horns: i.e. driving with the white line in the middles of the windscreen,  veering across lanes , driving too slowly
6. Incorrect signaling. turning without signalling, changing lanes without using the indicator , right hand indicator on when turning left and vice versa
7. Parking inappropriately. i.e. rear end of the car sticks out (not forward enough) parking straight on when its parallel parking
8. Hitting curbs. i.e when driving especially turning corners and to stop the car in a park
9. Scrapes or dents on the car, mailbox or garage.
10. Increased agitation or irritation when driving.
11. Failure to notice important activity on the side of the road. i.e. road workers, children
12. Failure to notice traffic signs. i.e.speed changes, school crossings any signage
13. Trouble navigating turns. i.e. missing the street and running up the gutters
14. Driving at inappropriate speeds. i.e. too slow or too fast for the conditions
15. Not anticipating potential dangerous situations.
16. Uses a “copilot.” i.e. relying upon passenger to tell them where to go, road conditions
17. Bad judgment on making turns.
18. Near misses.
19. Delayed response to unexpected situations.i.e. can not brake quick enough
20. Moving into wrong lane.
21. Difficulty maintaining lane position.
22. Confusion at exits.
23. Ticketed moving violations or warnings.
24. Getting lost in familiar places.
25. Car accident.
26. Failure to stop at stop sign or red light.
27. Confusing the gas and brake pedals.
28. Stopping in traffic for no apparent reason.
All of these are signs it’s time to stop and I do realise some are repetitive but please let me know what you’ve discussed.
Sometimes other people’s safety does not come into it, as the person may not be aware of this nor want to become aware of it, so I leave that argument out.
Dementia in a loved one is another kettle of fish and I advise you to go across to @KateSwaffer my friends great blog and Dementia Alliance International to get great advice

 

 

 

When Driving is no longer your thing

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I am at the age where people close to me, parents and some friends are now in the twilight of their lives and decisions need to be made that they won’t or can not see they are having issues with. I know I am no longer the fit agile girl from my youth, but I look in the mirror and am not horrified by what I see. I see a woman looking back at me whose hair is greyer than colour, I have a face that smiles with lines, I have a body that gave birth and there are lumps and bumps one never thinks about when being in your 30’s and 40’s.

The biggest issue I can see for our elderly folk is the driving license, it is something many hold onto without thought for others, it is a single entity that one holds despite ability to drive safely. I know of children of aged parents who go to the Doctor and ask them to remove it and many are angry when this request is refused. I have worked in a Doctors surgery many years back and watched an eighty year old man throw a thousand dollars at the doctor and said it’s all yours if you let me keep my license. It was a shock, the doctor opened his door called the nurse (me) and I was witness to him handing it back and then watching the eye test and other requirements of the medically fit to drive test for the Department of Motor Registration (in Australia) to which this gentleman failed.

I was also the nurse who then had to call his son and get him to come and collect his father and the car whilst he sat in my treatment room sobbing, he was 83 and I sat taking with him about his life and other issues for him to tell me, he and his son hadn’t spoken for 6 months earlier as he asked him to consider stopping driving. This made him angry as he wanted to keep driving to the local shops and to church. I asked him why he put himself and others in danger by doing this as he clearly couldn’t ambulate well – he had a frame, to assist him walking and couldn’t see well enough.

His answer is one that many use to justify the need to keep the license, ” but I’ll lose my independence, I don’t want to rely on my son and others to drive me, but I’ve been driving since I was 13 and I haven’t had an accident. I don’t want to take public transport as there is no bus, train or tram near me.”

Having the discussion about driving with the elderly brings, in most cases an immediate anger response, and instant emotive change from happy to angry no matter the intent of the messenger. How does one go about getting someone you love and care about to admit they are having issues ? Most times saying things out loud can trigger truth in the speaker but the drivers license issue doesn’t.

I look, watch and talk to people and am surprised when I hear children of aging parents say yep, ” I know they are terrible drivers and I won’t let them drive my children around anymore. ” so then begs the question ” have you told your parents this?” 99% of the answer is “God no I don’t want to hurt their feeling” so it’s ok NOT to have your own children being driven by an elderly  unsafe driver but it’s ok that they can drive through school areas without being aware they have an issue.” Here is where it doesn’t make sense but as humans we are basic nurturers and do not wish to hurt anyone’s feelings even if it means putting others in the path of danger.

I know of a person who has TIA (Transient ischemic Attacks – or mini strokes) and refuses to tell the doctor and family about them as they  knows they will have to give up the  license, one of her children just this week has told her they will be discussing this fact after Christmas, she is horrified at the thought, not of the thought she could kill herself or others if she has one when driving, but that she may have to stop driving, umm yes you do.

Then there is stories of deaths by running over spouses, miss identifying the pedals in the car, running cars into shops as they mistook the accelerator instead of the brake, or in cases I have watched driving at 20 kms and then using the gutter as the indicator to stop the car as that’s as far as one can go. There are tales of mistaking car parking spots and ending up on ovals, lawns and other areas, yet this isn’t enough for the person to tell someone they are having trouble. We watch as people use the brake every time they think a car is going to hit them, see a car in their vision and immediately think it is coming at them, these are minor eye issues but they still pose a risk to the general public, nothing worse than driving behind someone who constantly hits the brakes for no reason.

Why this blog and why now? I would like to have any answer from anyone who has had this conversation with a loved one about stopping driving. I don’t want road statistics quoted to me I would like you to contact me and give me clues or stories that got you to stop driving or got a parent or loved one to stop. Keeping in mind some people, country people don’t have any access to hired drivers, taxi’s or public transport.

Please send me ideas and stories, I would love to hear them and read them as this may give me options on how to broach the subject with a loved one who is being observed driving terribly.

 

The Blame game

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I haven’t written for a while, I think over a year now as I’m slack and sometimes what I would like to say I know shouldn’t. I have chosen silence in speech and in writing as the preferred method rather than blog or talk, as our parents say “if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say it.” Wise words for all and only some choose to live by this example.

Life took over, and I became time poor and slightly dis-organised, between running a farm, I went back to nursing (for a brief period of time) in the operating theatres, traveling to the city and back, it is all about work life balance isn’t it? Sometimes we have to concede that we can’t do and be all things for people we can only be the best versions of ourselves when we choose to be.

When we do things we know from a very young age that there is consequences for actions be them good or bad. As we progress in life we make conscious choices in actions and deeds that bring good will upon ourselves and each other. Most things we approach with realism and courage, things in life can be daunting and terrifying, taking a leap of faith and rely on others is always a gamble right?

We ask ourselves questions, what if I do something wrong? how can I be honest without hurting a person we like or love? how can we be truthful if we cloud the story or cover it in sugar? Can we be blamed if things go wrong or if the receiver takes it the wrong way? but that’s enough about the person on the giving end, what of the person who has asked for our input are they absolved from blame if it goes pear shaped?

Who or how do they blame you for your input? if they don’t like it does that make you  a bad person? does it make you less of a friend? How much do you need to know about the askee to give total honest answers or questions? How do you respond to being blamed for things you have been asked to participate in?

Should you be blamed for others actions? Does one look in a mirror and not see the truth of themselves or others? I haven’t answered any questions here and in-fact I have posed more for myself than I care to think about.

In truth my answer to these questions is do not ask for what you are not prepared to receive. If you are unaware of the personality traits that annoy other people or make them love you,  if you can not take advice from colleagues, friends, partners or bosses do not ask. The truth can sometimes be hard to hear or witness, ask as you go along then it may not be such a hard course of action should you find out after events or changes of work places.

I know enough about myself that I know I am divisive, I am opinionated and forthright, this annoys people and staff. I do try and temper it as I am aware this is who I am and people find it difficult. I know my answers are not always correct but I offer them regardless, I have learnt over the years to listen but I still interrupt people when they talk and need to stop to let others finish.

I don’t need others blaming me for things I have no control over, I’m good at self punishment and blame. Mostly I do try and avoid hurting others and if I have done this it’s been unintentional. If I do find out I’m being blamed for something I have been asked to do and came to by way of being asked, I do have a stock standard response. It’s not very lady like and involves me telling the other party what I would like them to do, by way of the F bomb.

Can I handle things better – yes I could but why should I wear another person crap?

 

 

Naked or Not on Social Media.

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For some unknown reason – is it just me? I seem to be getting really inappropriate followers and people who want to friend me. I have followers on twitter that post pornographic pictures of women in really inappropriate positions. What is that? mostly men posting them, which is why there is a block button.

The other one that drives me nuts is women posting pictures of themselves naked or in “sexy lingerie” seriously why? firstly I want to congratulate you on staying so fit and healthy all your life. It takes time and effort to continue to look and stay so slim, but keep it for those that appreciate it, I appreciate the effort you have gone to but that’s the limit of my thoughts on how you look, what you are wearing or not wearing, remember I can comment here as I don’t recall inviting you to share your pictures with me. Then the safety net of the block button arrives and I no longer have to see you or read about you and what you want any longer.

I have a person, who I don’t know try and friend me on social media, through the grapevine there is a story to tell about someone else. People obviously do not understand the publication of anything derogatory, threatening or vulgar is defamation and slander, if you print it, say it or share it despite the fact you haven’t written or said it yourself , you are the perpetrator and can be prosecuted.

If you are the jilted lover, lovee or person who had a friend that didn’t want to be your friend anymore then, suck it up. It happens to all of us, it’s called being human, we love, we hurt, we forgive and we move on, what happens in between is sprinkles of happiness, sadness, laughter, tears, regrets and guilt to name a few. People move in an out of our lives, some we wish to keep forever, some we wish we had never met and for reasons you may never know some leave and don’t tell you why. You do recover and in most cases replace with someone else more important and special, but you do work out in the end it’s their loss.

To the “random people” that want to “friend” me to make trouble for people I know, let me tell you I KNOW and whatever it is you wish to share and show me, DON’T ! It makes you as awful a person there is going around.
Take a leaf out of the saying “what other people think about me / you is none of your / my business”.
Move on, enjoy your life without causing trouble for others”, you will not be friended by me. in fact head over and read my blog Unsubscribe https://mytrendingstories.com/article/unsubscribe/
You are the reason I wrote this

 

picture credit marketingmotivator.net

Unsubscribe

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This is a word that appears on the bottom of a lot of  “newsletters” ones which I have no idea how they got my email address, which in itself is an oxymoron, as I’m a blogger and I am easily found. I get many, today I got “Rites of Passage”all about a tattoo festival which I did unsubscribe to, not only is it in Sydney but really not my thing.

I also a few years ago sent the word  “unsubscribe” to a person who had texted me about their marriage break up, it was full of some of the nasty things both parties were saying to each other and as one of the parties is a close friend, I didn’t want to read it nor hear from that partner again. It worked, I never received another text from this person and would do it over again if it happens.

It’s actually a good way of not starting an argument and also staying out of one. I have had to unsubscribe myself from many things as I know (here’s the shocker) I have an opinion on most things. I can be divisive and have known this for many years, I have tempered myself over time and also had a great friend tell me once, “have that inner voice tell you to ‘shut up’, don”t enter a battle that will only cause a war.” It’s a very true statement as no one wins wars, there’s only fall outs and on going hostilities.

I told the person a couple of years later, I sent the unsubscribe to the ex and we still laugh about it today. My twin sister and I laugh a lot and make comments about who and what we would like to unsubscribe from, mostly it’s situations rather than people.

I have one today I’d like all Australian to be able to unsubscribe from and that’s our parliament full of people that can not make a decision without a fight. It’s boring, insulting and divisive, change the marriage act, stand up and be the people we voted for, ones who can make a decision. I know it was mandated so we are stuck with the people in Government for better or for worse.

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find me mytrendingstories blogs on my farming life

 

Coming back

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It’s hard some days to write on my own blog as my bullysbeefothermeats blog has been picked up by the global website mytrendingtories so I’m having to commit to doing at least 3 to 4 blogs per week on farming and I suppose it gets blurred but it’s been a thrill to have been asked. I am also the unpaid farm hand, who is needed to drive tractors, quad bikes, deliver farmer to paddocks in Utes so that he can do his job.

I do the selling of our meat, trade shows, doing our book work, budgets and finances for the business and feed baby animals when they arrive. Nothing gives me more joy than watching and assisting an orphaned animal survive and become part of the Caloundra farm family.

At the moment I have also been asked to present at a nurses conference so am about to put the final touches on my speech. This is for the South Australian Peri-operative Nurses Association. What a thrill and honour to be asked, but also slightly frightening at the same time. For all of you nurses out there join your association, now that we are under legislation to get our continuous development points or CPD to maintain our registration, our chosen profession has groups and associations that provide high quality education for country as well as city nurses to get their points.

I know when I renew my Registration Certificate each year we tick a box that says we know we are competent to work in the field in which we trained. I take this seriously and know that I am coming to the end of that grace period. I didn’t leave nursing to not keep up my skills, I married in the country and there is not a job for me within 150km’s so when I take one I know that I’ll need overnight accommodation and have to weigh up whether it’s worth it or not. I know that it is and I keep getting told “you should” “you have to” in relation to my nursing career.

I know this but it will also make me a FIFO, and I wonder how many of my fellow nurses would like this idea or do it. It does not mean fly in fly out it actually means, DODI Drive out and Drive in, I live where there is no airport, we have a landing strip for RFDS and hang gliders but not a commercial place for me to get to work and back. The drive will either be a 5.5 hour round trip or a 6 hour round trip. I have been told, he will travel to you, it’s a great theory but there is ALWAYS something on the farm that can keep him from family BBQ’s in Adelaide or events. When you have animals, it’s an obligation and life long passion to look after them, feed them and assist them when they birth if they are in trouble.

Getting work  within my area is difficult, as both hospitals in my area have their quota’s of nursing staff and unless anyone leaves then there is no opportunity. Also I am limited as I love the Operating theatres, it’s is where I always felt at home. I have and do firmly believe that we are the eyes, the ears and the voice for the unconscious, frightened and voiceless, if we are not there to protect, defend and care for all who come to theatre then we should move out and let someone else who has these values do it.

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Here I am as a nurse and my twin sister Jacqui as a chef, so from the age of 4.5 years it was my chosen dress up costume and career.

What is your chosen profession? Did you reach your goals? Have you taken the long route round?

you can follow me on instagram as @Bullysbeef

twitter @RobynVerrall

 

Blaming Others

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Most people know if they have a bad night or a good nights sleep, i find myself waking up most nights and chose to lie in the dark looking outside our windows. It is beautiful if there is a moon shine. we live in the country so we have no street lights, neighbours house lights, security lights that flicker on and off with the movements of cats and no road traffic. This no longer scares me I find comfort in the quietness most nights.

We do however sleep with the radio on, I have a night time moaner, talker and snorer and have on occasions woken myself up talking nonsense in my sleep. He is a snorer with tinnitus and can wake up asking if someone has left a machine running.

I know when I wake what sort of day I’ll have, I have woken with heart racing and teeth gritting together, my teeth will ache from grinding them in stress. How do you have bad days on a farm you may well ask?  Most people think country life is relaxing, and jovial, it is full of loving animals, lush green paddocks, endless beautiful scenery, hours to prepare fabulous meals, wearing aprons and or jeans, boots and hats.

In reality it is very different, if it’s too hot, all the waters need checking 3 times per day as cattle will die within a day if they do not have water. In winter when the grass or paddocks turn green the animals need checking 2 to 3 times per day for bloat, too much green will expand their stomachs (they have 4) and they will literally fall over legs in the air dead. we place magnesium blocks over the place so they can lick them to reduce the risk of bloat. In birthing they can and do require assistance. The farmer is amazing with how he can deliver live cattle and not hurt mother or calf, but it can look like a brutal process with great outcomes.

My biggest gripe is the gap between sale of goods, meaning beef or lamb and payment. We will pay all our local places before anyone else, we do not need another country business closing due to slow sales and bad payers. All country towns and associations try and fund raise for their associations, hospitals, children’s schools, individual causes. I chose my charities now based on how much of my dollar goes to the charity or how much they pay staff to get your dollar. Yet when everything doesn’t pan out who do we blame?

How many head to the blaming the Government? themselves? the Boards that run organisations? or just society in general? are you a doer, get in and help or are you a watcher that stands on the sidelines, never participates but whinges loudly when it fails, or are you the volunteer that gets in helps, works and promotes? I’m the doer, the volunteer, I can work hard and tirelessly to raise funds and awareness and sometimes this isn’t enough or is too much for people and they shut you down. I move onto the next cause. I don’t do it for the praise, me I would like to be thanked as most people do, how do you react when you’re not thanked and appreciated?

Be involved

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