Not a feel good blog

I feel tired and slightly strung out and struggling to rein in my attitude today. Hasn’t the last 7 days been trying? and I do mean in an unsettling way. We have watched  people being held against their will for 17 hours, we cried when we heard of the awful death two innocent people in the fallout whilst their family & friends were tortured waiting for an outcome. The thought that 3 small children and their partners are never going to hear another “Merry Christmas, I love you from them” is very distressing.

We learnt that this man has been on social security for 10 years absolutely no contribution to ANYTHING, I understand people don’t want to work out of their comfort zone, but we in the Tatiara have over 182 positions that need to be filled, we have apprenticeships going begging, and not enough people to fill them, our houses are affordably priced from $180,000 to $500,000 and a community that needs new growth. There would be hundreds more jobs and affordability of housing in rural and regional towns all over Australia, it’s just people won’t move away from the city – for fear they will (perhaps) miss something. Cheap housing and jobs should be enough for people to think lets give it a go for 12 months, save some money and get a work history, but there is no one forcing them so they stay and drain the public purse.

We have gasped in horror when we heard 8 children were murdered and the disbelief that it looks like the mother may have done this, where were these children’s fathers? How terrible for all of the families, fathers, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins to name but a few.

There would have been deaths from domestic violence, statistically 2 this week,  from road accidents and aging, all of these represent someone somewhere having a sad time during the festive season. Tears that fall that will never cease to fall, hands that will never be held again, smiles unreturned it will be a difficult

With all of this happening and the report released about the CIA torture it’s enough isn’t it? I know 99% of people don’t subscribe to practices of torture nor applaud those that do it to others Martin Place being case and point and to watch a television station roil out David Hicks as an expert was too much for me. I do not agree with his treatment but lets not make him relevant to any discussion, he didn’t go over to sell Tupperware he went to learn to fight and kill. He was convicted and no one will lift that conviction because he is not as innocent as he and his supporters want us to believe, he did go, he did participate, he did get caught. I make no apology for my views, lets hope he is not drawing on social security to support himself. I turned it off and got up.

Listening to the radio I hear not happy Christmas music but how all of the farmers are struggling in drought – it is not only QLD farmers suffering – it is all over Australia, it really is. I should know I am also watching it here on my own farm and I hate it. There is no joy in it and daily it is a mental hurdle to not be engulfed by it.

I stated this morning what I missed the most at this time of year other than family was the OPTION of going to a shopping centre and sitting having a coffee and watching the frenzy madness that Christmas brings. I have lost my IPod and am cleaning out cupboards, shelves etc to find it, I know that has happy music on it.

Sorry for the blog today people, as bad as I think my week was , it pales in comparison to those that are really suffering, the joys this week, my sister came and stayed, I have spoken with my beautiful daughter, mother, father, got messages from my brothers in other states. Caught up with beautiful friends and in-laws at my salon opening, called friends for birthday as I am now going to do this as well as face booking so if it’s your birthday and if you are important enough to be a face book friend you will get a call this year. I have sent and received Christmas cards – which I religiously did for many years and then stopped. I have laughed, cried and been part of family love, and I need to in the words of another dear friend @KateSwaffer “toughen up princess”.

finally the tree is complete



What Others think of you is none of your business

How true is this, we spend our childhood learning how to please others so that we can 1) get what we want, 2) get friends 3) grow up. It pleases parents when you learn to walk, read, talk, eat, use the toilet and become well ‘civilised’. More to the point become part of a clan, we are the clan called human, we are bipeds, carnivores, herbivores, mammals to name a few. As parents they hope for their children to grow up, become educated, get a job, meet a partner and move on to begin reproducing this clan and starting the process again.

As teens we become socialized, our parents take us to interact with others and schooling helps us learn to adapt and change to suit the needs of a peer group, those of ones own age or within a close age group. This is where we learn about ourselves, be it good or bad, whether we are friends or foes, mean or nice we become running into the group called adults. Being a teen is not without trials or tribulations you just hope that somehow you get through it and it makes you a better person and helps shapes you into knowing ‘learned behaviour’ when it comes to others.

We hit the skids in Adulthood, it seems time races, nothing is as long as being a teenager, I don’t think. But in Adulthood we establish a network, have relationships, become friends, lose friends and most importantly we are asked our opinion about others. Here is the danger, we jump into the group and we (generally) divide them into male & females, we tell our secrets to our female companions and we tell our stories to our males. Both sexes play a vital role, females become the sisters, the confidants, the keeper of secrets, personal advisors, fashion advisors, friendship makers in our lives, Men become friends, lovers, partners, fathers to our children and honesty speakers (well mine is). The difference is only noticeable when we loose one of these groups or people in our lives.

We spend a lot of our ‘young adulthood’ talking about ourselves in relation to our work, our partner and friendship group. Other people’s opinion of you matters, down to how you wear your hair, who are you going out with? and how you respond to others in the same situation. This can be ego inflating or soul-destroying and many of us don’t identify that emotional vampire in our lives till it’s too late. They are not distinguishable by sex – both sexes are guilty here, it’s the partner who keeps ‘hooking up with others’, it’s the girlfriends who make social arrangements to cancel them on the day / night and the no shows. They devastate you, then if you question them they have a way of turning it to make you feel guilty.

Then as we grow to middle age – these people are easily identifiable and ones from younger years can and should be left behind. I have a couple of girlfriends that every time I see numbers on caller id, I bless the universe for giving me the option of knowing who it is. I will never visit those relationships again. Then there are others who appear as your friends – you may not even know they are peripheral dwellers, suckers of info to take to their networks and speak about you to whoever they like. Normally they come unstuck and it’s hurtful.

I have not been the perfect person in my life and I am sure that may would agree, we have been all and nothing to people with our behavior. I have done and said things I am not proud of but I am part of that flawed group called human. Sorry to those I have offended but please be assured my opinion of you is just that an opinion. If I have an issue with you, I will call to discuss, not put it into the universe, twittersphere or Facebook. I value myself and others enough to respect that, so if you feel I need to explain something I have said or written, I am selfish enough to admit when I write I do it for me, with no thought to others (expect the two not named here – they are also not friended on any social pages) even then I am not vindictive enough to harbor hate. I have grown to move on, so if something affects you that I have written- perhaps it’s your opinion of yourself that has taken a hit, not my opinion of you and if you ask me I’ll explain, not go running to others to make a complaint.

A wise person, my sister Jacqui taught me – email has no tone, it is words on a cyber piece of paper, you are reading more into it than what it is, except if you are doing it in capitals – then you are just SHOUTING.

Behaviour… what’s acceptable?

This week seems to have been a week for me, one that should I have to repeat I will ‘opt out’. If I had to give it a score I would give it a 1 being that 1 is awful and 10 is to replay as often as one can and with gusto. So for me to have a 1 week is really unusual and a bitter pill to swallow, yet swallow it I did. Don’t mistake me there has been in the words of Bob Downe “Shiny Bright’s” dotted throughout, these have kept me grounded and happy but this week I have shed tears.

It has been hard to keep smiling when all you want to do is cry, the actions of others has brought back moments in my life I have wanted to forget, it has been terrible. At the time of one of the incidents I never thought it would still be with me almost 20 yrs later. It was something a ‘friend’ stated to me (in jest – in defence of this friend) in front of young children and to this day, it gets repeated back to me and every time I hear it I want to slap my friend in the face. It was a joke made in reference to my work, Pete the dog and child and where in my priority list they were placed. I worked hard as a single parent with no support from the other parent, financial or otherwise, I gave up nursing (which I loved ) to go in to sales to support my daughter and give her the education I was given, yes by choice and yes with pleasure but I had to travel, educate and do things  other parents didn’t. I had to give up assemblies, plays and sometimes things I desperately wanted to be at. For those parents reading this and had to travel, there is nothing like being stuck at an airport, on a plane, in a taxi rank or just plain stuck and missing out is there? I was lucky, I have a wonderful family that picked up the slack and still do so I knew that there was support and proud smiling faces in audiences.

by Friday this week I had been hung up on, (gotta love that action) by more than 1 person when they didn’t want me to finish talking, I have been yelled out, things thrown into sinks in anger and been left standing at a function without so much as a word, just a shake of the head as I watched them walk away. It has inferred that I have not been telling the truth when I have promised something and a 3rd party has been unable to complete their end of a deal. This is by far no fault of the 3rd person as we know life throws obstacles in the way and ‘shit’ happens. But this is not the fault of the person who has arranged it so therefore one should not be expected to be accused that one is not telling the truth. I hate how when things do not turn out the way other people think they should one is accused of not being honest. I have most of my life tried to be as honest as I can, it is human nature not to tell the whole truth to save someone’s feelings, to not get into trouble to try to fix a situation before it becomes a nightmare. Most times things go left of centre but you have to suck that up and admit when you have done wrong. One thing I have never done is held a grudge or repeated incidents from times past to ‘win’ and argument. But by fuck I am soooooooooooooooo sick of being at the end of people’s actions.

The highlights have been just that high lights, I have worked at Keith Hospital and like it very much, I was able to meet a special person who has gone out of his way to donate something to Keith Hospital. I have had an Action Group meeting where I was publicly thanked for all my volunteer hours and told what a great job I was doing. I have been able to offer someone employment and she is excited to be joining the team. I have walked, spent time with Pete, the dog and been able to off load on my sister, without having that support I would have been a wreck. I have shed tears in private when no body has seen or been able to comment, there are things one can not say to a partner, a child nor a friend for fear of judgement and long-term consequences like the above example.

I am a person that tries not to carry much with me but I think this week has been harder than most. To all, think about how you would feel and treat each other like this, it may be hard but it also shows respect for people you love and want in your life.


When you think you can never get it right

There are times in one’s life that you can look back and regret the past, long for the moment “back when”. Then there are times where you love living in the moment, enjoying all things you create and friendships you’ve nurtured, these then become that fabric of times past and longing. Why look back when one should be living for the now. I have been married 5 years today, something I never thought I would ever do, I never saw myself in a white dress being married. I don’t know why I never dreamt of this event or saw it as an option or never really took seriously till I was a lot older.

I didn’t go into my marriage thinking about some fairytale life I was about to have, it was a 40 degree day in the midst of a drought with a fire on the next property. I went into thinking we were good friends and we liked each other enough to take that next step. It has not been without its difficulties as anyone in a relationship will tell you, but basically it has been based upon respect and trust. The basis of these feelings is the Foundation of love one feels for another person, it is very different to the love one has for a child but it is still enough grounding to work from and towards. We were lucky we could invite everyone we cared about, those people who made up the chapters of our lives and combined them for one big weekend party. We had the Birdsville mob come in, Friends from Sydney, Melbourne, Marcus and his wife Amy flew in from Sydney even though her lovely parents were in Australia from England. My daughter came up from Adelaide with my sister who flew in from Queensland, this was really special as it has been the only occasion she has come to the farm. Some of my friends and I have lost touch but this does not mean I think they are not my friends, this is just a part of life that goes on. We love, learn and expand, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong it just changes and one then gets the luxury to reflect upon one day in your life where you want things to go well.

I am not great with dates for this is just a number and my DH can tell me more about what happened on what day than I ever can. One thing he is good at is remembering our wedding anniversary, I read that it’s wood, I don’t think I can wear that but I can cook on it. At least with all the things I get wrong in my life this is not one of them. I did get it right being married to a kind caring loving man and having a life. Being a mother to a successful beautiful daughter is the highlight of my life, I feel totally blessed. For those of you that came to our wedding day, we thank you it was a great party…